Water

I worked on this photoshoot during a very rough patch in my life. During just a few weeks I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 1 and lost my job. At times it was very hard and I felt like I can’t breath, which made me create this series called “Breath In - Breath Out”

Something happened, but you can't comprehend it. And you know that other people are dealing with worse, but it doesn't change much for you. You just took a hit and you watch yourself falling, and as if talking about stranger you think "It's going to be bad".

But for a while you manage to not think of it and you manage to feel nothing. At least on surface you are still functioning, almost like before, so maybe after all it didn't happen? You are silent.

And then you feel like you are drowning, there is thick layer of water between you and other people. And you want to say something, but you know they can't hear you. And the silence that was at first your protection becomes your prison.

Then you finally reaching something solid, something definite inside yourself and you say, ok, I can start from here. What is broken? What is gone? And you learn things about yourself examining every part of your soul. Almost everything hurts and what doesn't hurt is numb.

But life goes on and as everything living you are forced to breathe in after you breathed out. You do your part, just sadly noticing "I don't get anxious anymore, I don't get upset". You finally feel safe.

And then you feel the need to talk. And probably if you are a rock start you create something like this and if you are a painter you draw this.

Me, I am not as cool as Edvard Munch yet, but I do my part too. Surprisingly, dark-themed photoshoots are not sad or dramatic. They are actually calm, reflective and warm. But now I have this sensitivity that tells me what visual language to use. I recognize what I felt and I know how to put all the right emphases.

And then I see our pictures in Dark Beauty and I can imagine that for some people this pictures will stay numb, but others will get this coded message "You can start from here. What is broken? What is gone?"

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Contact me: aliona.kuz@gmail.com